How to Stay Positive after Loss
“It is never easy to end a relationship with someone once you realize it has run its course, or when you simply do not share the same goals or values. Fear that we won’t find anyone better, we will never find anyone else, the next person will not be as attractive, as fun, or simply won’t love us as much, can paralyze us into in-action. Therefore we live a lie and stay in a relationship that, deep down, we know no longer serves us. It takes guts, faith in oneself, and faith that in time someone better and more suited to us will come along. If you know yourself, believe in yourself, and can get to a place where you are okay with the possibility of never finding someone else or someone better, then you can lose your attachment to relationships that need to end. Then and only then will you be ready, willing, able, and open to successfully attract someone more suited to the next better version of yourself that you are destined to become.” — Corey Wayne
All things pass in time. But when it comes to the deep cut of a broken heart, it often feels like time stands still.
The purpose of a relationship is to help each other grow and become more. You go there to give. So, from a growth perspective, even though breakups are tough, this is a good thing.
The reason breakups are so difficult is because for however long you have been with the person, you have associated them as part of your identity. This is why it takes such long periods of time to overcome the feeling of loss after a split.
It is the feeling of certainty you miss, that you used to have with that partner.
Breakups though, like relationships, can be fertile grounds for self-discovery, development, and improvement.
What I have found is that when you go from one relationship to the next one, that period of time is when you should really be focusing on yourself and spend some time trying to learn from your mistakes.
Pause, reflect, look back and think about what you did wrong in the previous relationship and take time to think about what you want in the next.
The important thing, after diagnosing where things went wrong or why it didn’t work out, is to realize what you learned from the relationship and the other person, how you grew from it, what was great about it, what things did you like about the other person that you hope your next future great relationship has, and maybe any quality your ex didn’t have that you wish they did have.
Take time to heal and spend time with people you love and figure out really what is most important to you in a relationship, instead of running right into another one like so many people who feel lonely and just want another person.
You cannot go into a relationship looking for the other person to complete you. You have got to find a way to be happy single and by yourself before you can make someone else happy. Have a great time by yourself and be comfortable in your own skin, because you are a catch, you are special, and you really do have something to offer.
Here are five strategies to help you get over a breakup in the healthiest way possible:
1. Self-care
In the first few days and weeks following a breakup, it is more important than ever to practice self-care and improvement. It might be tempting to jump into bad habits, eat unhealthy, drink, experience unhealthy sleep patterns, etc. However, it is actually the perfect time to double down on healthy practices.
The weeks following a breakup are intensely stressful, which can have real effects on your body (weight gain, poor sleep, headaches, anxiety, digestive issues, etc.). So, providing your body and mind with the necessary tools they need to combat this stress can go a long way in your healing process.
Take your breakup as an opportunity to create new habits and routines that nourish your body and spirit, such as getting plenty of sleep, starting a gratitude journal, eating clean and healthy foods, and getting outside, moving, and exercising.
2. Connect with people
Just because your romantic relationship is over does not mean you are alone in this world. Call up old friends or call on family members to help navigate your way through the breakup. It is important to lean on people and activities you love when you are at emotional lows. Being active will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
3. Embrace alone time
Spend some time alone to grieve or reflect on the relationship. Taking time to yourself is extremely beneficial and is actually essential. You need to cope with your own feelings. The key is distinguishing between alone time and self-imposed isolation and avoiding other people.
Use this alone time to better yourself. Regardless of how your relationship ended, for what reason, and on what note, there is always possibility of you two reconnecting and coming back together; whether that be twenty years down the road or next month. One thing is for sure, you need to learn and grow from the experience.
4. Take time to feel your emotions
There is no established timeline for getting over a breakup and someone you love. It might take weeks, months, or maybe even a year. Whatever the case may be, know that it is okay and that everyone has their own timing. Listen to your mind, body, and your heart. Your feelings are unique to your situation and wishing them to go away will not help you heal any faster.
The quickest way to the other side of pain is straight through it, so be sure to give yourself time to really feel it. Reflect on your relationship, the things you loved and the things you hated. Things you did right and things you did completely wrong. What did the relationship mean to you? What did you learn from the experience and how can you improve yourself for next time?
Give yourself 15–30 minutes a day for a few days to do this and no more! We do not want to dwell in the past; we want to learn from it. By recounting the relationship, the pain will release and eventually clear.
5. Do not let social media mess with your progress
This is a big one. Today, it is so easy to check up on someone from the comfort of, well, anywhere! As long as you have your phone with you. That means that it is easy to compare yourself to how they are handling (or appear to be handling) the split.
It is human nature to compare your feelings of post-breakup life to your ex’s, which is not a good way to bounce back. Not only will you feel worse about yourself, but you might give yourself false impressions of how they feel. It is natural to want your ex to feel worse than you do about the breakup or hope that they end up with a schmuck because it will make you feel better about yourself in turn. However, this is not how you should be thinking about things. You are better than that. You used to love this person and probably still do, want them to be happy!
If seeing your ex on social media triggers negative emotions or the pain of rejection, it is okay to unfollow them. Consider this not an act of aggression toward them, but as an act of self-care on your part, as this is a time of healing.
6. Accept that your love was real and it was a gift
Nothing was fake. If it was, you wouldn’t have given or felt the pure energy from the love you experienced. It was all very real, and it was a blessing. You had good moments, you learned so much about yourself, about others, about love itself, and how to love another human being.
Conclusion
The ultimate negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.
Deep down, when you know the relationship is not right, it is time to leave. A lot of people stay relationships because they are just not miserable or unhappy enough to do something about it. You can’t make somebody become what you want. They either have it or they don’t and you can either accept their flaws or move on.
When you start to realize this, you have to be strong enough to move on because when you stay with them, you aren’t creating the space necessary for the right person to come into your life.
A lot of the fears you have, you actually attract. Let go of your self-limiting beliefs. You must have good positive self-talk.
If they don’t support what you do endlessly, then you are with the wrong person. Let them go and they will either miss you and realize they must change, or you will know where you stand with this person and thus will be able to let go and wait/pursue someone better.
It is worth the wait. It is worth the wait to do the work on yourself first. You have to do the work on yourself, focus on the things that are priority in your life, and you have got to do the hard things. Sometimes you have to go through things that you hate and don’t really want to go through in order to get through to the other side.
It is absolutely worth it to have strong uncompromising principles when it comes to your happiness, because all of us have a limited amount of time on this planet.
The amount of time you have been on this planet is getting longer and the amount of time you have left is getting shorter. Therefore, there is no point in not living and playing full out in your life.
Raise your standards, raise the bar, learn the things you need to learn and apply them so that you can attract a really great person in your life whose goals and values are totally aligned like yours and they will fit right into your life like a glove.
If you follow these things, you will heal and you will find someone better and it will be more magnificent than anything you have ever experienced in your life. It is amazing what love can do and how it expands you in every area of your life. It just makes the human experience so much richer.
Remember, most of your stress comes from the way you respond, not the way life is. Adjust your attitude and all that extra stress will be gone.
Moving Forward
The best advice I can leave you with is to get out a pen and paper, write out 100 things you want in your next relationship and in a partner.
Continually review the list and add to it as need be until you find someone with close to (if not all) 100 points. Write out the attributes you want, the physical characteristics, the attitude, the drive, the experience, the maturity, and everything else!
Now get off your butt and go find them!
